And now, two days on, where am I?
I'm in bed still, feverishly doing the things I should have done a long, long time ago. I've barely moved from the spot I first sat in, laptop on legs, phone in hand several hours ago. And in that time, like in the last two days of soul searching, I've done more than I have in months.
I've applied for three brilliant sounding jobs - in aged care. That feeling I've had for as long as I can remember - primary school? - that I've wanted to be around elderly people and give them the opportunities to not only reminisce and tell stories from the past I find so interesting, but to also give them a good few hours a week in the present. Something to do with always loving my own grandparents war time stories, and dreaming of the time I most wanted to live in, long ago, and in England, when things were so much more simple.
I have joined the gym. Pilates, Zumba, yoga, boxing and aqua aerobics, 5 days a week. No more crying each morning when I don't fit in my clothes, no more looking back at my old photos and sobbing for the thin girl trapped in this body I so severely despise. No more selfishness about feeling fat, and most of all, growing up and taking care of my body the way I should do.
I start meditation and 'anxiety awareness' classes on Thursday. Stop this stupid, stupid, stupid self conscious crap I've lived my life doing - and maybe calming myself down when it comes to situations that freak me out. If I can learn to stop hyperventilating at the very thought of an airplane, I'll be happy. And better yet, stop thinking the "she's so much thinner/prettier/funnier/more self assured and therefore better than me" that rules my life.
Called my mum and emailed her a list of houses available closer to me, the arm length list of events happening under my very nose in my local community I didn't even know about to entice her to move closer so I can see my best friend every day - or more than the once a fortnight trek one of us makes at the moment. How utterly brilliant would going for a coffee, walking the dog then going to the local markets, sailing classes, art demonstrations, free movies and all manner of things I never knew existed at my doorstep be, and even better, to be able to do it with my mum?
And, from the above mentioned productivity, comes the most important thing for me: meeting new people, making new friends and having experiences I've spent my life fighting myself for. If anything comes from this weekend, it's knowing the people in my life I truly want there are few and far between, and the people I thought closest - who I've known for some time now aren't to be trusted as much as I'd have liked - are actually not the people I need around me. This is where that strange optimism seeps through my veins, like little bubbles of hope... and it's now or never. This life is what I make it, and I've been so utterly terrified of living it recently it's beyond scary. My head is out the sand, my heart is on the line, and my instincts tell me this strange silver lining is to be snapped up at all accounts; whether that heart gets broken or not. I'm living for me from now on, and I can honestly say, even though I hope with every fibre of my being that I'll have a certain someone by my side, I'm almost certain I can make this by myself. And I know I'll need to; not only for my own sake, but to make sure I give that person the best self I have, if there's ever going to be the chance to make us whole again.
In the meantime, for the first time in over a year... I know what I want. And even better... I'm fighting for it.
"This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And baby, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about" - Marilyn Monroe.